I Believe
Shame Pulled Me Away. God’s Love Brought Me Back
Shame over my poor choices slowly started getting in the way of my ability to feel God’s love. But still, His love saved me.
Saving That Which Was Lost, by Michael Malm
I was 14 when my parents got divorced, and watching my family break apart was heart-wrenching. I moved in with my dad, and although he did his best to take care of me, I really struggled to adjust. I developed deep depression and anxiety and honestly just felt alone.
One day I wondered if the world would be better off without me. But then I heard a voice in my head saying, “You are important to me. I love you.”
I know now that the Spirit had shared that message with me from Heavenly Father. His infinite love pulled me out of my lowest moment, giving me hope.
A month later, missionaries knocked on our door. As they taught me and my dad, I finally understood that I have a purpose here.
I learned that the beautiful gifts in my life stemmed from God’s love for me, and I wanted to show that I loved Him too. So my dad and I got baptized.
I didn’t think anything could interfere with my ability to feel God’s love, but I was wrong.
Stepping Off Course
Over time, when life got hard, I made some bad choices. I didn’t follow the Word of Wisdom, and I surrounded myself with negative influences. My shame started overpowering my ability to feel God’s love for me, so I distanced myself from the Church. My dad also stopped living the gospel.
I would think about faith sometimes, but I was so scared of what people—and God—would think if I ever went back to church. So I continued down the path I was on.
Eventually, my dad and I moved to another country. We didn’t have any family or friends around, no employment, no money, and no car. But luckily, we met local members of the Church, and they took care of us. They loved us as Jesus Christ would have loved us. I realized through them that Heavenly Father still loved me and that He wanted me to come back.
So when these friends invited us to come back to church, we accepted.
A Prodigal Son Returns
I was terrified that others would judge me for my choices. But when I went back to church for the first time, everyone was so kind.
I felt like the prodigal son, returning to his father and confessing his sins (see Luke 15:18–21). And just like the prodigal son, I felt the love of my Father, who welcomed me back and celebrated my return (see Luke 15:20–24). I came back because I love Him, and He welcomed me back because He loves me.
I was ready to make changes in how I lived my life.
After I repented and found my footing in the gospel again, I prepared to serve a mission. I had some friends who were confused by my choices, but I was determined to stay on a new path.
While I was in the missionary training center, I learned that two of those friends went to a party together and tragically passed away in a car accident. I was heartbroken and suddenly very aware that my life could have ended if I hadn’t changed the way I was living. Remembering God’s love had saved me again.
Embracing God’s Love
I’ve experienced much throughout my life, but the most important lesson I’ve learned is that at every key turning point in my life, acknowledging God’s perfect love for me has saved me from so much suffering.
Sometimes, when you look in the mirror, it’s easy to look at yourself and say that you’re not good enough—that you’re nothing more than your worst mistakes. But that isn’t how God sees you.
President D. Todd Christofferson, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, reminds us: “Because [Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ] love you, They do not want to leave you ‘just as you are.’ Because They love you, They want you to have joy and success. Because They love you, They want you to repent because that is the path to happiness. But it is your choice—They honor your agency. You must choose to love Them, to serve Them, to keep Their commandments. Then They can more abundantly bless you as well as love you.”
Understand that Heavenly Father loves you so much that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for your sins, enabling you to return to Him. He doesn’t want you to hide from Him; He wants you to return to Him.
If you’ve strayed, it’s not too late to embrace the love He has for you. It’s not too late to return, and when you do, They will celebrate just like the loving shepherd, exclaiming, “Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost” (Luke 15:6).