From YA Weekly
Should You Date Even Though You Struggle with Pornography? 5 Questions to Ask Yourself First
Before pursuing a serious dating relationship, take time for honest self-reflection.
Every day, we hear from young adults who struggle with pornography use. They desire meaningful relationships that could lead to eternal marriages but wonder if that’s even possible when pornography continues to be a challenge.
If you sometimes feel unworthy of love or doubt your ability to be a wonderful eternal companion, let us reassure you: It is possible, even with a pornography struggle. How? Because of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Elder Patrick Kearon of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles recently counseled those struggling with pornography: “My ultimate hope for those of you still battling, which I know you can achieve, is that you will receive the greatest of all God’s gifts, eternal life. This is well within your reach. His plan is to bring you home, not to keep you out, and He will employ every possible measure to bring you back.”
To help you determine if you’re ready for a relationship leading to eternal marriage, here are five questions to ask yourself:
1. Do You Know the Root Cause Behind Your Pornography Use?
Pornography use is often more complex than a sexual issue—habitual use can be a coping mechanism for boredom, anxiety, depression, or emotional struggles. Like mindless scrolling or binge-watching TV, pornography serves to mask deeper emotional wounds. Seeking help through your bishop, a mental health professional, or support groups (like the Church’s 12-step addiction recovery meetings) can help you identify triggers and develop healthier coping strategies.
As Elder Kearon added, “Help can be found from others all around you, and help comes from above, and we need both.” Turning to spiritual and practical sources of support can help you establish healthier habits, find a support system to help you make better choices, and understand and access the Savior’s power to heal your inner wounds.
2. Are You Honestly Striving to Overcome Your Pornography Use?
We know the Church condemns pornography, and many young adults who struggle with pornography wish they didn’t. Reflect on whether you truly desire to reduce its frequency and replace harmful habits with healthier ones. President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, taught: “True repentance from pornography requires more than simply ceasing to use it. Such repentance requires a change of heart through the Atonement of Christ.”
Your readiness for dating depends on your honesty with yourself. As Brother Bradley R. Wilcox, First Counselor in the Young Men General Presidency, taught: “God’s message is that worthiness is not flawlessness. Worthiness is being honest and trying. We must be honest with God, priesthood leaders, and others who love us, and we must strive to keep God’s commandments and never give up just because we slip up.”
Don’t give into the adversary’s lies that it’s better to stop trying to overcome your habits because they’re too hard to let go of. Keep asking Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for help as you strive for better habits.
3. Do You See Marriage as a Solution to the Problem?
Again, pornography isn’t always a sexual issue. So you can’t assume that getting married and creating a sexually intimate relationship with your spouse will solve your pornography issues, especially if you haven’t addressed the root causes.
And if you haven’t addressed this issue with a dating partner or spouse, temptations can grow more intense because of secrecy. Talking to your bishop and qualified mental health professionals is key to addressing your struggles.
4. Do You Plan to Be Totally Honest with the Person You Date Now and in the Future?
The adversary wants you to feel shame, fear, and discouragement about your pornography struggles. But honesty and accountability are some of the most important parts of any relationship. Being dishonest or hiding your struggles will only harm both of you.
And if you’re not ready to be accountable or take steps toward healing, you’re likely not ready for a serious relationship yet. Lasting relationships are built on vulnerability, trust, and transparency.
“Overcoming damaging behaviors, habits, and addictions is an arduous process, but each step forward is a step toward healing,” taught Elder Kearon. “When loved ones work together in a healthy, supportive, and non-blaming manner, the path to healing is accelerated for all.”
Facing challenges together—with the Savior’s aid—will help you build an unshakable foundation in your relationship with each other and with Him.
5. Do You Believe the Savior Can Help You Change?
You’re not alone in your struggles with pornography. Many young adults are striving to overcome pornography use. When you continue returning to something that’s keeping you stuck, it can be easy to think that Heavenly Father is as exhausted with you as you are with yourself.
However, Elder Kearon assures us: “If you are prone to worry that you will never measure up, or that the loving reach of Christ’s infinite Atonement mercifully covers everyone else but not you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.”
Don’t lose faith that the Savior can help you change through repentance, time, patience, honesty, and self-compassion.
Turn to Heavenly Father in prayer as you navigate dating. With the Savior, you can have confidence and hope in your ability to build a lasting, beautiful relationship and eternal marriage.
We love you. We pray for you. Remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can work miracles in our lives. Keep striving and hoping, friends. You can do this.