3 Ways to Heal from Harmful Perspectives of Sex and See Intimacy How God Intended

God is a God of both justice and mercy. He commands us to avoid certain things and to follow His laws. Meanwhile, the adversary voices leniency: “It’s not that big of a deal. Just one time won’t hurt.”

But after we give in to temptation, that voice becomes harsh and unforgiving: “I can’t believe you messed up. There’s no way to repent. You’re unlovable.”

Conversely, we hear God’s merciful voice through the Savior: “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?” (3 Nephi 9:13).

Even with such loving beckoning, I commonly hear young adults say things like, “I’ve struggled with pornography use, so I’ll never be worthy of a temple marriage,” “I feel too broken to be loved,” or “I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done.”

For those wracked with this type of shame, hear the words of Elder Patrick Kearon of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “If you are prone to worry that you will never measure up, or that the loving reach of Christ’s infinite Atonement mercifully covers everyone else but not you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.”

The first step in healing from unhealthy messages of pornography and harmful perspectives of sexuality is believing you can with help from Jesus Christ.

The trick is to not hide from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Turn to Them for hope, help, and peace.

Sister Tamara W. Runia, First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency, recently taught: “Jesus Christ gives light to those who sit in darkness. So, on those days when you feel that voice telling you to hide, that you should hide in a dark room all by yourself, I invite you to be brave and believe Christ! Walk over and turn on the Light—our Perfect Brightness of Hope.”

Don’t limit Christ’s Atonement and how He can work miracles in your life.

President Thomas S. Monson (1927–2018) once highlighted a story from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. When Alice finds herself at a crossroads, she asks the Cheshire Cat which path to take. He answers, “That depends where you want to go. If you do not know where you want to go, it doesn’t matter which path you take.”

Likewise, you might be at a crossroads between a casual view of sex and an understanding of God’s purposes for sexual intimacy. You need to understand the covenant path and God’s purposes for healthy, loving sexual intimacy to be able to recognize behaviors and paths that are inconsistent with His ways. A lot of messages—pornography, hookup culture, distorted media portrayals—push an unhealthy vision of sexuality that’s about instant physical gratification and objectifying others.

But the gospel vision of sexual intimacy within marriage between a man and a woman is richer. It’s meant to connect spouses emotionally and spiritually, deepening their relationship.

Many people don’t realize how much they’re missing in their understanding of sexuality until they hear a gospel-centered perspective. I once spoke with a young man about how pornography use distorts the spiritual aspect of sexuality. Surprised, he said that he had never heard the words sexual and spiritual in the same sentence before.

When you have a more spiritual view of what sexual intimacy is meant to be, it becomes easier to resist the counterfeit version the world offers.

To change our perspective, we need to not just avoid harmful messages—we need to actively learn what God’s purpose for sexual intimacy is and pray for the Spirit’s help in shaping our vision.

Once the Spirit has helped you understand God’s higher purposes for sexual intimacy, you will feel strengthened in choosing to walk the path of healing and change.

Here are a few ways you can start:

• Although you might still be trying to overcome habitual pornography use, begin replacing pornography and distorted media as your source of information about what normal or healthy sexual intimacy is.

• Study resources about sexuality that are in line with gospel teachings, like the Addressing Pornography section in Gospel Library. The institute course “The Eternal Family” teaches about preparing for sexual intimacy in marriage. The August 2020 issue of YA Weekly discusses how to develop a healthy view of sexuality. There are also many books written by trusted members of the Church that can be helpful. Ask Heavenly Father for help in guiding you to inspired resources.

• Talk openly with parents, trusted Church leaders, wise mentors, or therapists who can help you see sexual intimacy the way God wants you to.

• Surround yourself with friends who share your values and are striving to live the law of chastity.

The influence of past mistakes or harmful messages doesn’t disappear overnight—but over time, worldly voices get quieter as we walk the covenant path in faith. As President Russell M. Nelson taught, “Because Jesus Christ overcame this fallen world, and because He atoned for each of us, you too can overcome this sin-saturated, self-centered, and often exhausting world.”

As you turn to Heavenly Father for help in reshaping your views of sexuality, you can have hope in building a sexual relationship with your future (or current) spouse based on trust, love, and mutual respect.

I’ve looked in the eyes of people who carry deep hurt from problematic messages about sexuality. But I’ve also seen those same eyes light up with peace, joy, and hope as they discover God’s truth about sexual intimacy and sincerely repent where necessary.

If you’ve ever felt broken, ashamed, or confused, please know this: Healing is possible. You are not disqualified from love, intimacy, or joy.

You deserve better than counterfeit connection. Develop your vision. Walk the path. Let the light of Christ’s Atonement guide you to a future of true wholeness and intimacy.