Digital Only: Young Adults
Is Perfectionism Keeping You from Feeling God’s Love?
Perfectionism made living the gospel look impossible.
All my life, I have been a perfectionist. I’m an all-or-nothing person and can’t do anything half-heartedly. This mindset has helped me learn how to give my all to everything I strive to do.
But I never thought that thinking this way would be problematic.
Over time, despite my wins at times, I was plagued with thoughts that constantly focused on my imperfections and flaws. I felt the need to constantly repent for every mistake I made, no matter how small or insignificant it was. Eventually, I started to believe that I would never measure up to be the person Heavenly Father wanted me to be.
To me, Heavenly Father was scary. I was always afraid of disappointing Him.
Were My “Spiritual Receptors” Broken?
While serving my mission in Scotland, I felt overwhelmed nearly all the time. I took the teaching of “exact obedience” to a whole new level and believed that I needed to be 110 percent perfect in my missionary efforts every single day. I thought if I didn’t reach these (unrealistically) high expectations, I would be a failure.
However, I noticed that my companions, other missionaries, and many members all seemed so much happier than I was. I didn’t understand what I was missing! Why were they happy and self-compassionate, and why was I miserable?
At one point, I was praying for forgiveness so often that I lost my focus on Christ in my missionary work entirely. My thoughts were constantly telling me I wasn’t worthy and I wasn’t loved.
One day when I was particularly desperate for help, I came across a devotional given by Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He spoke about feeling God’s love and how a dysfunction in our “spiritual receptors” can make it hard to feel that perfect love.
He said: “What do you do if you do not feel the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? I know with certainty that the problem is not with Their love. The problem is with your receptors for Their love. If you have dysfunction of your receptors for God’s love, you can lose your way and succumb to dangers such as hopelessness, helplessness, and loneliness.”
His words struck something in my heart.
If Heavenly Father loved me as much as Elder Renlund taught, I didn’t think He would want me to feel anxious and ashamed all the time. So I talked to my mission president, and we both agreed I needed to find some help.
It Wasn’t Just Perfectionism—It Was Scrupulosity
With help from a therapist, we figured out that I wasn’t just struggling with perfectionism but also with scrupulosity, a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that causes one to obsess over the fear of behaving immorally or against one’s religious beliefs.
I wasn’t feeling the joy of the gospel or the love of God, because I was giving myself impossible expectations. Mortality is about being imperfect and then learning to come unto Christ, who will perfect and redeem us.
When I finished my mission, I also received help and guidance from my loving bishop. He helped me understand these truths:
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Living the gospel shouldn’t be bringing us misery.
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Living the gospel is beautiful, joyful, and wonderful.
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Following Jesus Christ helps us steadily learn and improve, giving us hope and purpose in our lives.
Understanding these truths has helped me understand God’s love and mercy better and find joy in the gospel.
Focusing on Perfect Love
I used to think life would be easier if I didn’t live the gospel. I was constantly feeling anxious and disappointed when I didn’t measure up to my expectations for myself. But now I know that we live the gospel because we are all imperfect and need the Savior’s help to become better.
As Elder Patrick Kearon of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles beautifully testified:
“If you are prone to worry that you will never measure up, or that the loving reach of Christ’s infinite Atonement mercifully covers everyone else but not you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.
“Are there things we need to do, commandments to keep, aspects of our natures to change? Yes. But with His grace, those are within our reach, not beyond our grasp. Our Father’s beautiful plan is designed to bring you home, not to keep you out.”
I still struggle with scrupulosity, but I’m striving to heal and to realize what the gift of the Savior’s Atonement means for my life. I know He offers me grace and can magnify all my efforts.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are not merciless. They love us perfectly. And if we ever lose sight of that truth and get lost in feelings of shame or inadequacy, we can refocus on the truth that They are here to lift us and support us on our journey home, not to make that journey impossible.
I hope you know how much They love you.